The Guys You Don’t Want to Talk About


Dear JT and other assorted nice guys¹ and Nice Guys™

Thank you for your concern about whether your behavior makes women¹ in the secular movement uncomfortable. Here is my solicited advice: don’t be one of the bad guys. You know, the ones you don’t want to talk about.

In order to determine if you are one of the bad guys, ask yourself this question:

Do you use manipulation, deception, social pressure, intimidation, isolation, intoxication, high through-put² solicitation, lewdness, or persistence as strategies to gain intimacy with women?

YesYou are one of the bad guys. You are The Problem. Stay home. We do not want you in our movement, not on the local, regional, national, or international level. Do not darken our podiums, seats, or elevators until you improve yourself as a human being.

Only when I drink→Do not drink at our events.

Only on this one girl I like→That is still a yes. That is horrible. If this is how you treat people you like, how do you treat people you aren’t fond of? Stay home.

No→Congratulations. You are not one of the bad guys. You are not likely at all to gain the reputation of a skeeze. Not being The Problem is a necessary, but not sufficient, part of being part of the solution. You may still unintentionally contribute to the problem. You may occasionally make women uncomfortable or reinforce cultural assumptions and norms that allow the bad guys to operate without deterrence.

I appreciate your eagerness to overcome your possible unintentional contributions to the problem and become part of the solution. In order to advance this discussion to concrete steps you guys can take in order to do that, we first have to address an issue in how this discussion is framed. Read the rest of this entry »